The NeverEnding Game
by Octarine Nova
Summary: One shot: Death checks in on the Game, which General Tactitus, Ankkh-Morpork's most brilliant general, is still playing. The outcome just goes to show... Constructive flames only please-give your reason why you don't like it.


James Minor

The Never Game (a Discworld Short Story)

On an island of semi-permanence in a non-reality, a door in air and time and space opened. A black cloaked hooded figure stepped through, riding a skeletal horse with midnight trappings. He surveyed the dismal island, an indistinct patch of grayish ground containing a haphazard assortment of tents and hovels, and then dismounted, leaving his horse standing near where the door had been, and began walking towards the central tent.

"Hello, Death." A spectre appeared in front of him, dressed in restrained and practical but obviously very costly military wear. "Nice to see you again."

GENERAL TACTITUS. IT'S BEEN SO LONG. Death's voice sounded it was made by opening and closing tombstones, and conjured memories of graveyards and moonless nights. As he turned to the general, his hood fell back revealing a skull with eyes that looked like two tiny blue stars deep in the head.

"What brings you back to our sad, neglected corner of the multiverse?" Tactitus asked as he fell in step—well, actually he fell in float, or floated in step, if you prefer—with Death.

I AM HERE ON OFFICIAL BUSINESS. I RECENTLY FOUND OUT THAT ONE OF THE PLAYERS IN THE GAME IS ABOUT TO DIE.

"You mean that someone's about to lose?" Tactitus sounded shocked. "I had no idea that anyone was that close to defeat. I mean, I know that I've been efficiently attacking Emperor Al-Mund for five turns, but…" he voice trailed off. "That…doesn't matter to you, does it?"

NO.

"Oh."

They didn't talk anymore until they reached the central tent. It was a ramshackle construction consisting of a quilt-like pattern of almost any type of cloth imaginable: silk, satin, cotton, wool, linen, fur…there were even small sections that looked like the kind of incredibly rich gold-leaf clothing preferred in Agatea, the Counter-Weight Continent.

Death and Tactitus entered the tent by walking (or floating, in Tactitius' case) through the wall. It was rather obvious that all the residents of the area were ghosts and spectres, because there wasn't any entrance to the tent at all. In the centre of the tent was a huge game board depicting a large area of Discworld including Al-Khali, Ankh-Morpork, the Sto Plains, and the northern section of Klatch. A large group of ghosts and phantoms were gathered around it, apparently playing the Game. Most of them were clustered around a gigantic floating book that was partially open. From where Death was standing he could see that it said "The Rules." It looked like it could have contained most of the knowledge in your average library.

Snatches of conversation drifted to Him.

"… Ok, I've completed the food gathering in the mountains stage…"

"…what if I used the pincer formation with my infantry and the frontal assault gambit with my cavalry …"

"…Dragons?! I didn't know that you could breed dragons …"

I SEE THAT The Rules HAVE INCREASED DRATMATICALLY IN MY ABSENSE, Death noted..

"What?" mumbled General Tactitus distractedly. He was obviously thinking hard. He was drawing in the sand with a stick in an incredibly complex pattern with several labels. "Oh…yes. They just keep increasing. Whenever someone here wonders "why isn't _this_ covered" or something of the sort, it _is_. Also, whenever a new rule is created rules related to it also appear. On the board you physically can't move something out of turn, so you have to consult The Rules every time that we do anything. Soon here think that fairly soon there will be so many rules being added so fast that the Game will not be able to make any progress."

THAT'S A PITY.

"It is isn't it?" the general murmured sadly. "That means that everyone, including me, will be stuck here for eternity. No one will win immortality in the rest of Discworld."

Eternal life. The spoil promised to the winner of the Game. A game started by General Tactitus, in fact.

Several hundred years ago, during the general's attempted conquest of Al-Khali, he and his Ankh-Morporkian army had been surrounded by a hugely superior Al-Khalian force. This, however, was only by almost absurdly good fortune, since General Tactitus had skills and military brilliance equivalent to that of earth's Julius Caesar. A mud slide had blocked off three out of four passes out of the small mountain valley that they were in (selected as their winter base camp due to the many escape routes), and the fourth one was where the Al-Khalian army was.

Using his legendary cunning, the general offered a deal to the then-Emperor of Al-Khali, Emperor Al-Mund. He challenged the Emperor to the ultimate board game. Using the magic of the wizards of the Unseen University that were in his army, the general proposed to create a realistic magical replica of the current war. Whoever won the war in the Game would then accept the complete and total surrender of the other side, all without any casualties. The emperor, who knew that even though he had cornered the general's army (by extreme good fortune, it might be added), he would still face a long and bloody war defeating the rest of Ankh-Morpork's forces. He had accepted.

The agreement had contained the following clauses:

The Game will be completely realistic, with constantly updating rules.

The competitors must not leave the Game until it is finished.

It will be physically impossible to violate the rules.

The victor will claim the other's territory in the real world without resistance.

The above term becomes nullified, but the Game goes on, if one of the leaders does not participate.

Tactitus added the fifth clause at the last second without the knowledge of the other party. He then left the area of the spell's casting, and so trapped the enemy's leaders (and a few Ankh-Morporkian criminals that were with him) in the confines of the spell. He waited (since the opposing army did not know that the agreement had been voided and everyone who did know was trapped within the spell's confines) until his reinforcements showed up, and was then able to crush the Al-Khalian army and conquer Al-Khali with a minimum of bloodshed. However, when the Al-Khalian shamans found out what had happened, they cursed General Tactitus to be banished to the Game upon his death. When he got there, he found out that the new object of the Game had become this: whoever loses then dies, and whenever wins gains eternal life on Discworld. He naturally set out to win the Game, and has been one of the most influential players ever since. For about a century after this incident, one that history tends to leave out due to the highly absurd and confusing nature of the event, a rather popular curse on the Disc was "may you go to the Game when you die!" It turns out that if you were told this in hate one hundred times throughout the course of your life, you _did _go to the Game when you died, which explained the wide range of people still playing. Fortunately, the curse was no longer in use. Over time, of course, as new people joined, the map gradually expanded to grant them small fiefs, explaining why some sections of Klatch are included in the map, even though it wasn't a part of the historical war.

"Well, I guess I'm done," a person from Agatea said. "I guess that means that its your turn, Tactitus."

"Really?" the general sounded surprised. "Normally it takes you several days."

"I used the 'delay' and 'be a sissy' actions. That's my entire turn done automatically."

"Great," Tactitus said, rubbing his hands together and he floated towards the board. "Now, let's see. First is—"

THE RANDOM EVENT ROLL. Death was now standing right next to Tactitus.

"Right." Tactitus sounded a little surprised. "I didn't know that you were familiar with The Rules, Death," Tactitus said as he picked up the thousand-sided dice that were the random events. "It seems out of character for you."

I'M NOT.

The colour drained out of Tactitus' face as dice skittered over the floor.

_Tact tact tact tact tact tact…clunk._

Tactitus turned away in horror as Death bent over the dice.

QUADRUPLE ZEROES. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, EXACTLY?

One of the other ghosts flipped through The Rules frantically. "Um…here it is: 'In the event that quadruple zeroes are rolled on the random event check, the player automatically loses as all his territories rise up in spontaneous and unquenchable rebellion and becomes unclaimed territory."

RIGHT. Death swung his scythe through Tactitus as the general vanished in a puff of smoke.

Death started to leave then turned around for one last look at the game board. IT JUST GOES TO SHOW, he intoned, and then he left.


End file.
